Dateline October 25th, somewhere in the North of this great metropolis - well, Patchway British Legion actually, The Saints, like mighty rollers from a far away sea (The windsurfing lake?) would pound against the granite-like ediface of the Severnside Skittles League's Premier Division's, Legion Runners in the first round proper (we'd got a bye in the preliminary) of The Ken Lane Front Pin First Cup.
The Night was moist.

This report is out of sequence due to Neddy's awaydays and the fact the bloody grass won't stop growing at the club so I havn't had time to write it! This night was the night Manchester United were to meet Aldershot in the carling cup after the Red's humbling by the Blue half of that Northern city - 'the belly and the guts of the nation', and the Saints had about as much chance of beating the premier division stars of the Legion Runners as Aldershot did against Fergusson's Red Devils!
But this was Cup skittles and the few brave Saints that turned up had hopes of mighty giant killing acts.

As our resident Rocket scientist, smasher of satellites, and precision programmer of projectiles,(as well as being The Man With No Arse), Ken Squire was lost, we only had the bare minimum players - six. Me (Andrew Robert), The Old Comrade, Shifty Miller, Jim 'Hoppity' Cooke, Alan Neddy Rawlings and 'The Voice of Skittles' - Whispering Ray Horgan.
There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. . . sensing the fear of our humble band of All In skittlers against the superior skills of the Front Pin Firsters I selected myself to bowl first with the Old Comrade riding shotgun. Before a ball was bowled came the first fine of the evening, Ken TMWNA rang me to ask why he was on his own at Patchway Labour club! - use of a mobile 50p. I hastily switched it off. My opponent addressed the pins. Once more the phone burst into life, TMWNA again. Another 50p plus 50p more for the unsporting act of putting off my oppoment! Whilst hastily trying to remove the battery the persistant Welshman rang it again. The ignominy! another 50p! The battery was finally removed! The Runners first pair scored 26 & 24 I only managed a steady if uninspiring 19 attracting more cash for the kitty, 50p for showing off by removing the middle pin without troublimg the others, scoring a duck (£1) and in the process, less than three 20p with a further 20p penalty for a bookkeeping error. The Old Comrade fared much better with a strong 28 pins. Unfortunately within that total he scored a 2 attracting a 3>20p and showed that beneath that cool exterior he was really a bag of nerves, unable to help going to the alley early on two occasions (40p) and then was a victim of cruel fate when the sticker up only sent two balls back entraping him in a third case of earlyism (20p)
During the up a flustered Squires arrived and was immediately hit with a fine for tardiness 50p, and incitement to use a mobile during a match (unsporting) 50p. He was also accused of being a foreigner (welsh) therefore unable to read English as the match text had clearly said Legion NOT Labour. He was threatened with deportation but was treated leniently by the show trial and fined 20p instead. He was also accused of cowardice by being deliberately late so he didn't have to play FPF - 50p. The Saints were only 3 pins down but £6.90 better off.

The next pair were Shifty & Hoppity. Normally reliable and good scorers, unfortunately the heavy burden of cup skittles became to large a load to bear. Shifty scored 9, including 3 ducks and a two, in pity we waived the fines for ducks in FPF skittles but still hit him with four lots of 3>20p's and a further 20p for ignoring the no entry sign at the bar! Hoppity started with two ducks and in his anxiety to get the torment over, went early to the alley (20p), his eventual score was 7 and included four ducks ie 4 x 3>20p. Their opponents twisted the knife scoring 19 & 24. The Saints now trailed far behind by 30 pins. An impossible gulf to bridge? We produced our aces, the anchor duo of Neddy Railings and The Voice of Skittles.

With two of our most consistent players on the alley, both with plenty of FPF nouse, we were ready to emulate the cup antics of Shrewsbury Town, Burton Albion and Rushden and Diamonds with our own chop of the beanstalk. Despite a moment of madness when the normally reticent
Ray rose his voice over a whisper and insisted their chalker had made an error - he hadn't - thus releiving himself of 50p, and early confusion when he didn't realise we were playing FPF (a further 20p). And despite being in possesion of slipperier shoes than Torvill & Dean, a definite shout for a bag of blakeys next week, The Voice of Skittles got the clap with a score of 30! Game on!

Errr no.

Our normally unflappable man at the chalks caught his brother-in-law's case of chronic Yips (Sid, see Skittles 3 The Oddysey to Pilning [to read, highlight link, click on arrow, search with google] http://sites.google.com/site/smobrugby/skittles/skittles3theodysseytopilning-1 ) So spectacular was his fall from grace that he was fined for capitulation - 50p, lack of respect in that his shoes were dirty - 20p. His total of 12 included three ducks and a two, 4 x 3>20p and his attitude was summed up when he was fined a further 50p for showing off, hitting the back pin down and no others! He was also fined 50p for failing to strike TWCWEH III and finally TWCWEH III was fined £1 for not attending!

The Saints had lost by 40 pins! Ho hum, there's always next year!

Weare